By JESSICA CHAPMAN
The Kaselehlie Press
I have begun to notice that a great number of us are struggling to be the center of the universe. As a community service this will be the first in a series of columns dedicated to helping you in your quest to gain your proper place at the absolute center of the universe. If you are already nearly at the center these first guidelines will be a bit too basic and I apologize in advance for this. It never hurts to go back to the basics.
- 1) No one wants to get their car wet or to drive over a bump in the road when they are the center of the universe. When faced with a puddle or bump in your lane of traffic never mind the oncoming traffic. Swerve right on out there. The other lane is just fine. The other guy will get out of your way and will know that you are the center of the universe. This is especially effective if done on a curve.
- 2) When those at the center of the universe are in a hurry they always drive through residential streets and on any straight stretches of road at the top speed available to them. After all, those at the center of the universe never have traffic accidents. Keep this in mind.
- 3) It's important that you not buy a car seat for your baby but carry them on your lap while you drive. Since people at the center of the universe never have car accidents you are not likely to crush baby's skull with your chest.
- 4) If there are several parking spaces available in any given parking lot be certain to angle your car across two and a half of those spaces. Also leave at least two small children or your great-grandmother inside your car and make certain that you stay away for at least half an hour. This works equally well if there are no parking spaces. In that event park behind three vehicles and follow all of the above. No one will doubt that you are the center of the universe if you follow these rules.
- 5) When getting out of a car in traffic those of us who are truly the center of the universe will always swing our car doors into the lane of traffic without looking behind us first. When this causes a loud screeching sound and black marks on the asphalt but does not result in our door being ripped from the hinges we know that we have followed this guideline to it's greatest effect.
- 6) If there is a sign in a parking space that says, "Reserved for John Dingleheimer" remember that the sign really means, "Reserved for those at the center of the universe". It's best if you additionally follow rule four above.
- 7) If you can beat traffic by cutting through any space whatsoever, even a state senator's lawn, take the opportunity to prove that you are truly the center of the universe. Howl wildly with laughter as you pass the vehicles waiting at the stop sign you bypassed.
- 8) Pylons (those orange cones in the street) or signs saying "no left turn" are merely guidelines for those not at the center of the universe.
- 1) When you have been at the sakau bar it is important that you wait until rush hour to get into your vehicle. Drive at a top speed of 5 kph. This ensures that you will not lose your buzz and that everyone behind you will know that you are truly at the center of the universe. This can also be done without the sakau but it's not as much fun.
- 2) When they have been drinking 151 proof rum and find that it's 4:00 in the morning, people at the center of the universe always put the world back into its proper orbit by walking up and down a residential road, screaming at the top of their lungs. If you decide to do this, breaking your bottle into the center of the street makes for a really good effect. If you can involve a friend you could get stage a shouting match involving the character of each other's mommas. You can do this by yourself as well but then people just think you're weird rather than the center of the universe. Keep in mind that this guideline only works very late at night. During the daytime the police are around and they get a little grouchy about this whole idea.
- 3) Walls and sidewalks look great covered in red goo when you are the center of the universe. Nothing says, "I am the Center of the Universe" quite so well as a big glob of betlenut spit on the wall. Windshields look great with betlenut spit on them too but never your own.
- 4) If you have been having a "good time" with a bottle be sure to beat up someone that you a) love, b) like a little, or c) never saw before in your life. People at the center of the universe really know how to have a good time.
I only have room for one more guideline though there are so many more. Practice these for the next two weeks when I'll give you some slightly more advanced guidelines.
Bonus guideline: Never forget that lines (queues) are only for those with orbits somewhere near Pluto, or maybe just a bit beyond that. People at the center of the universe don't have time for lines.
That's it from the center of the universe until next time.
Managing Editor and
Center of the Universe